May has arrived, and while a part of me feels a sense of lightness, there's still a lingering undercurrent of uncertainty. It's been a full year since I left my ex after his infidelity, yet the complexities of our connection continue to occupy my thoughts.
Despite the pain of his betrayal, I find myself still drawn to him. He possesses a captivating quality that keeps me engaged on multiple levels. Our paths cross daily at work, leading to playful exchanges and flirtatious banter. A part of me still feels a deep desire to care for him, and the words "come home, I'll accept you" often surface, even though a deeper knowing tells me his heart now belongs to the person he cheated with. Perhaps I've become someone he uses for lighthearted flirtation and a release of physical tension.
The truth is, the physical intimacy we've shared since reconnecting – four times now – has been undeniably intense, at least from my perspective. While I crave more of that connection, I'm trying not to become overly attached, choosing instead to appreciate these encounters for what they are. However, the weekends feel empty, knowing he's sharing them, and his life, with his current partner.
In the digital realm, I've also connected with someone new. We met on the "g app," and I've been struck by his intelligence and the surprising depth of our psychological connection. It's a bit of a rollercoaster, though, as he has ghosted me three times, only to reappear. Currently, we're in a phase of playful conversation and sexting. We're both in our forties, and while I appreciate our mental rapport, I have some reservations. He's a bottom, and on the curvier side, while I'm a switch and have only ever been with bottoms. I'm curious about exploring bottoming myself, and I've typically been attracted to leaner physiques.
Adding another layer of complexity, I recently connected with someone who seemed to tick all the boxes for a potential partner. Yet, I found myself pulling away and ultimately ghosting him. Fear gripped me – he seemed almost too good to be true, and I worried about setting myself up for heartbreak, especially knowing he had his own past wounds.
Despite these connections, I still have Tinder and hold onto the hope of meeting someone who could be a true life partner. I long for the simple joys of attending mass with someone special and miss the profound intimacy of sharing vulnerabilities, fears, laughter, and tears.
My heart continues to yearn for a genuine partnership. I'm sending my prayers out into the universe, hoping to meet the person who will truly walk alongside me through life.
No comments:
Post a Comment