Tuesday, December 19, 2017


Dear Moi,

Last night while browsing YouTube, I saw a thumbnail about Jonghyun. I disregarded it because I decided to watch this

Andante, a Korean series about granting the wishes of patients who are in hospice waiting for their death. Every episode provoke something inside of me - my relationship with my family, my lack of friends to confide in, my loneliness - I try not to dwell on negativity but the feeling of being alone is slowly setting in and the holiday season makes my melancholia more pronounce. Killing myself cross my mind. Scenarios of my suicide flashed on my mind but I quell this thoughts by diverting my attention to fleeting happiness - hiring masseurs for their extra service, for their kisses, for their hugs. I miss human touch so bad but I don't seem to find the person who will alleviate my loneliness. 

This morning while browsing the net to distract me with my melancholia, I came across an article about Jonghyun's death. Jonghyun is the lead vocalist of Korean idol group SHINee. His solo album is constant in my playlist. I barely understand the lyrics but I am very enamored with his voice. I can here desperation, longing, sadness in his voice and I can relate to that.

Jonghyun committed suicide yesterday and I am greatly affected. Suicidal thoughts to escape cross my mind and I try to forget this thoughts through paperwork but I can't concentrate. This is why I'm writing this blog post. I want to unload this feeling of desperation, this sadness. I am going to leave this post with this song...



You've worked hard Jonghyun. R.I.P.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

2 Week PEP Chronicle

Dear Moi!

First week of taking PEP is quite difficult. I always feel light headed in the mornings and I don't want to go to work. It was also difficult to digest my meals. I always feel full though I tried to eat regularly but I always puke at least once a day for a week.

On my second week, symptoms decreased except for my eating habit, I still feel full most of the time even though I haven't eaten any heavy meal. The urge to regurgitate decreased.

To help with my eating concerns, I avoided rice and salty-oily foods because they are the one who always make me nauseated. I also drink hot green tea to help calm down my stomach after a meal.

Doing my regular gym work is quite difficult because I easily get fatigued but I always tried my best to finish my regular routine but with lesser weights and repetitions.

My sexual drive remains the same, I still feel horny everyday but I opted not to involve in any type of sexual intercourse and made friends with my two hands ;)

I've been taking my PEP regularly and without fail and I hope that my re-test tomorrow will yield the same results.

Hoping for the best!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Chronicles of PEP Day 1

Dear moi,

The accident happened last Saturday at around 21:40+ when I was having a tryst with a gorgeous Chinito for the first time and I noticed that something went wrong. I told him that the condom broke and Mr. Chinito told me not to worry and claimed that he's safe because he got tested last month and the result was negative. I want to believe him but I need tangible evidence and he was not able to provide one. I immediately sent a message to Test_MNL asking for the availability of Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). I am aware that time is of the essence and I need to take the medication 48 hours after exposure.

Test_MNL informed me that PEP is available but I need to pay 1,500.00 PhP because the medication were imported from Bangkok and not part of the government's program. I of course immediately agreed to pay the price because my health is more important than money. Test_MNL advised me to visit loveyourself Anglo for HIV testing and counseling.

It was a restless night.

Fast forward Sunday, I went to  Mandaluyong with "butterflies flying inside my tummy". I arrived at the community center at exactly 13:00 and looked for Kahel for instructions and he gave me the form to fill-up and lined up for the blood extraction. I was expecting not to line up because I was informed that CBS is available but that's life :).

More than 30 minutes of waiting for the extraction and another 30 minutes for the result. - waiting for the result was excruciating because I'm aware of the process. I was planning for possible scenarios that might happen If it turned out reactive, I'll do my baseline this Monday and immediately take ARV or do whatever the advice of the MD. If it's non reactive, I will take PEP asap.

I was uber observant and once I noticed that the results envelopes were available, I immediately went to the reception and asked if I can get my result but they are strictly following the protocols (which is very good) and did not release my result instead, they went to Kahel and inform him about my concern. When Kahel told me that there's nothing worry about, I feel like a ton was lifted on my shoulder and I immediately asked about the next step.

The next step is the PEP counseling and checking of vital signs. I was referred to the on duty doctor due to my 150/100 mmHg blood pressure (the first time that I got BP reading and I'm blaming the apparatus that was used and the stressful situation because I've been checking my VS for quite sometime and it's always within normal limits.). The doctor gave his go signal that I can start with my PEP.

Kahel talked to me about the possible short term side effects of the medications such as dizziness, headache, vivid dreams, fatigue and rashes; and long term side effects like muscle wasting and lipodystrophy. The only thing that concerns me is the lipodystrophy because I don't want to gain weight but since this is just a temporary medication (I need to take the meds for a month) my fears were lessened.

Kahel gave me 15 tablets to be taken everyday for 15 days, 2 hours after meal or 2 hours before bed time. He reiterated that for the meds to be effective, I need to be compliant and to message him if there are side effects of the drugs and I need to be tested again after 15 days (that's on November 5).

I planned to take the meds at 20:40 everyday after considering work, gym, evening classes and patient care.

Day 1

I took my first dose while watching R3.0. When Ms. Regine is singing

video was not taken by me

I was feeling good, I almost forgot that I took my initial dose until

video was not taken by me

I started to get light headed but not dizzy. It's like the feeling of  being drunk but not totally drunk. This started until the end of the concert.

video was not taken by me

On our way out I was scared that I might stumble and fall, so i walked a little bit slowly and made sure that i hold on to available rails. I pretended that I'm ok because my companions are not aware of my predicament.

After the concert, I just wanna go home and sleep but my friends decided to have a meal before going home and talk about the concert.

Got home at around 2 AM, washed my face and slept until 7:00 AM because I've work.

I woke up feeling light headed and tired but it's bearable. Had heavy breakfast and took my isotretenoin (I was not able to ask the drug interaction between efavirenz and isotretinoin but both might cause problem to liver - I did not stop taking isotretinoin because whatever happens I want to die beautiful)

The light headed feeling persisted until I finished work at around 16:00. I went home immediately, had dinner and slept for a little bit before going to the gym.

I feel tired put I persevered because I want to avoid the side effect of losing muscles and lipodystrophy (again, I want to die beautiful) and I also want to see my crush - sadly he's not there but there are still cute guys to secretly ogle :)

Gym experience is not that good because I'm so tired but it was bearable.

Got home at around 19:45, took my second dose at 20:40 and slept at around 22:00 still feeling tired and light headed.

That's it for day 1.


Monday, October 23, 2017


Dear Moi!

Yup, it's more than a year since my last post.

Still working in the same company.

Implemented an English only policy within my section.

Enrolled in my second Masters courtesy of my very supportive administrators. (I'll try to update this one)

Joined a gym that closed down last July :(

Joined a new fitness center with more gorgeous members :)

Went back to Sagada to pray for a new partner ... it did not work :(

Went island hopping in Quezon

Solo traveled Taiwan

Surfed the waves of La Union and drank a lot of mojitos in one of the mexican themed restos in San Juan

and this weekend, I had my first scare...

Got tested

and started my first dose of Post Exposure Prophylaxis that I need to take for a month...

I will be chronicling my PEP Experience


Saturday, April 30, 2016

Here I am

Dear Moi,

A lot of things happened since my last post.

My dad died and I was not in his deathbed which was 7,292 miles away from where I am. I went there to pay my respects. I choked up during my eulogy but until now I never cried a single drop of tear. 

When I went back to my workplace, I was promoted from Middle manager to a heartbeat closer to Top Management. 

I traveled East Asia, Southeast Asia and North America. 

Lessen my volunteer work at Love Yourself as counselor but the things I learned is still being practiced by the hospital I'm affiliated with.

I am now more Catholic - hears mass, attend basic ecclesial community, organize lenten/advent recollection. spearheaded the employee retreat and attend continuing spiritual formation. Despite all of this,

This year, I finally received the Top award given to employees after 5 years of being nominated.

I'm still gay, happy and more accepting of who I am.

Love life?

I ended an 8 year monogamous relationship 2 years ago.

I'm still single and actively looking for the one with the help of tinder hahahaha


What caused the fear of being alone may not be the aloneness itself, but the judging eyes of people. You fear other people would think of you as being awkward and friendless... UNDESIRABLE.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Kdrama special: Life is Beautiful

I just finished watching this 2010 Korean Family drama called "Life is Beautiful".

This is not a review about this wonderfully crafted drama but a repository of my emotions and mumbles caused by watching this drama.

My heartstrings were pulled non stop during the entire 63 episodes (more than an hour per episode). I laughed, cried and reminisce about my life.

I wished that my parents watched this Korean drama so that they can understand me more.

Watching Tae Sub's life unfold is like re-living what I went through growing up. Just thinking about it makes my throat constrict and cry. I can't put into words how I feel. All I can think about is the loneliness, the fear that I felt growing up. The hole that I can't seem to fill up in my soul. The many times that I think about suicide as a solution to this loneliness and fear. It got better but there are times that these feeling haunt my consciousness.
On lighter note, this is one of the reasons why I'm addicted to Koreans ;)

Saturday, October 19, 2013