Insignificant

Dear Moi!

This is going to be a long post.

I always dread this day. It reminds me that I am insignificant. Growing up, I can’t recall a time when my family celebrated my birthday, except when it was combined with my sister’s. Birthdays weren’t really a thing in my family, so I guess it never seemed important.

I was in high school when I invited some friends out for a burger treat to celebrate my birthday, but I can’t remember if anyone actually showed up. What I do remember is sitting alone in that burger joint, eating a burger by myself. That’s when my dread of this day began.

Personal Relationships
I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years, but I don’t recall any remarkable birthday celebrations during that time. We might have traveled during the month, but nothing that made me feel special on the actual day.

In my next relationship, which lasted 5 years, I shared my feelings about birthdays with my partner. For four years, I still didn’t feel celebrated, and in 2022, I finally snapped. I told him he had never made any real effort to make me feel special. After my outburst, he made a half-hearted attempt by surprising me with a cake and singing "Happy Birthday." It felt more like an obligation than something genuine.

We didn’t celebrate last year because I was visiting family, but in hindsight, that moment might have been the start of him looking for someone to replace me. That’s a whole other story.

Is it wrong to feel this way? 

Am I being greedy for wanting attention?

Work Front
I've been with my organization for almost two decades, steadily climbing the corporate ladder. Looking back, I realize that my colleagues have never really surprised me or celebrated my birthday. Every year, it became a routine: when my birthday came around, I was the one footing the bill for a "forced celebration." Even after I became a frontline manager, nothing changed. It made me wonder—am I just not lovable?

When I moved into a middle management role, things didn’t improve. Not only was I still paying for my own "celebrations," but when I asked my fellow leaders to write me a short message or a quote to fill my gratitude/happy memory jar, no one contributed. It was a moment that made me feel insignificant, despite believing that I’ve been a good colleague—or at the very least, a competent worker and leader.

I’ve tried hard to make a meaningful impact at work, and I believe I’ve succeeded. (Time to toot my own horn a bit.) I established our corporate university, which serves not only our employees but also external stakeholders, such as interns, researchers, and healthcare professionals. When I say "I," I mean it—it was mostly a solo effort. There was one staff member helping out during the development phase, but overall, it was my project.

Is this hubris? 

Could this be why no one feels the need to recognize or celebrate me on my birthday—because they see me as self-sufficient or not needing appreciation?

Advocacy
I’ve been actively involved in the cooperative movement, starting with an appointed position as a Gender and Development (GAD) officer, eventually leading to an elected role as a Board Director. As a Board member, I was also elected to serve on the Board of our cooperative federation's regional organization. I brought meaningful change, especially by reviving the youth group, which was on its last legs when I joined.

I’ve served as a director for two years, yet my birthday has never been acknowledged or celebrated. Not everything has gone unnoticed, though—in my first year, there was a birthday greeting poster on the federation’s social media, albeit two weeks late. The following year, however, there was nothing. Even when I stepped down, beyond the usual verbal "thank you's," there was no real recognition of my contributions, despite both management and my fellow officers claiming that my work was significant. Perhaps those words were just platitudes.

I can’t help but feel insignificant, as if I don’t deserve recognition or appreciation. Yet, I still feel hurt and neglected. 

Is it too much to ask for recognition and appreciation? 

Do I need to verbalize this need? 

Shouldn’t it be common courtesy to acknowledge people’s contributions? 

Is it unreasonable to expect that kind of acknowledgment?

Grateful
Despite all these pent-up feelings of resentment, I still strive to do my best and bring positive change to the community. These experiences, though sometimes painful, won’t stop me from doing good or striving to be significant.

My birthday wish for this phase of my life is to find a partner—someone who will finally see and appreciate the good in me, not just the flaws. A life partner to share both celebrations and struggles. This is my only wish for this year (along with passing law school and the bar exam in 2027).

Dear Moi, you are doing good, laban lang!