Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I'm moved by this guy's coming out story. I've been following his journey in youtube.

Coming out is a never ending process. In this aspect the hets are lucky, they don't need to come out...

When I'm still in grade school, I know I'm different and I'm gay but back then bakla is synonymous to being a loud, in your face effeminate who works in parlors and pays for sex. I don't want to be like them. When kids my age started noticing and teasing me about my effeminacy, I changed, I tried my best to act more manly by modulating my voice, changing the way I walk and I started courting girls. The teasing stopped but my self hatred started. I became a recluse. I rarely go out with my classmates and my only comfort is my room and my computer. I don't wanna mingle with people because I don't want them to discover that i'm different, a freak.

I became a loner from high school to college. I did my best to avoid associating with gay men and women. I avoided gay people like a plague and I used girlfriends as beards.

My denial stopped when I'm in my 4th year of college. It's been a year since my "ex gf" broke up with me and my friends are starting to notice my disinterest in females. Back then I feel that I don't have a choice but to find a naive girl that I can pose as my girlfriend. I courted a girl named Chelle and after a grueling courtship, we became an item. As our relationship progress my respect for her deepened and my conscience can no longer bear my despicable deception. I told Michelle my deepest darkest secret, I told her I'm gay. Michelle did not hate me after the revelation but I avoided her because of my shameful behavior. Michelle is the epitome of grace and forgiveness, she reached out for me even though I hurt her so bad. Gradually we build a strong bond of friendship. She's still in denial about my sexuality. Whenever I told her about my man crushes or my relationships, she just smiles and tells me that she's praying for my enlightenment.

Family Dynamics - I came out first to my sister. We talked about my sexual exploits in our neighborhood. We became closer after that. When I asked her advice on how to come out to my parents. She told me to never come out to my parents because it'll just bring them heartache. I did not heed her advice, I told my mom about my sexuality and she cried and made me swear to never tell my dad about my sexuality. I never told my dad about my sexual orientation but I know that he suspects. My mom still wants me to marry a nice girl. I just smile whenever she tries to match me with female acquaintances or when she asks me when will I give her grandchildren.

In my workplace, my colleagues and subordinates know my sexual orientation. I told them from the very beginning that I'm gay. My colleagues advice me to be less upfront with my sexuality because we're in a religious institution. I'm living a double life, outside our section, I have a (fictional) girlfriend and we're planning to get married soon while in my section I'm the dependable guy who is gay.

I love Adele =>


  1. teka lang teka lang... may gf ka ngayon?

    sorry but hanggang kelan mo lolokohin ang sarili mo? bakit mo ide-depend ang happiness and freedom mo sa ibang tao? sa society? magiging sunud-sunuran ka na lang ba sa mga norms na pinapatupad nila?

    carried away.. haha!

  2. Hi shen! It's fictional girlfriend. Our admin usually see me with Michelle, they assumed that she's my gf and when they mentioned marriage, I just do my mona lisa smile and again they assume that we're planning to get married soon. Michelle knows this and she's ok with it. I know that lying by omission is cowardly but I'm not courageous as the parloristas, I envy their courage and bravura. Maybe someday I'll have the cahones to come out in my work place but for now I will continue this facade as long as I can.

  3. anu yang bravura and cahones na yaaaaaaan?

    aaahh! josko! required talaga mag google kapag nabibisit ako dito.

    anyway, aaaahhh! front mo lang siya.. uuhhhmm, ang cool kaya! hehe. para sakin parang napaka mysterious ng dating mo niyan. eeeeeee! nakaka inlove pa naman yung mga misteryoso.. charot!

  4. wala kagn email add? gusto ko pa naman makipag tsismisan sayo.. hehe

  5. Hi Shen! I'm not proud of my situation and I'm taking baby steps to come out in my workplace.

    about the email thing, I don't check my mail that often, mas madalas ako dito sa blogspot =>

  6. sureness..

    everything will be just fine. wag mo na masyado isipin yan tanggapin ka man o hindi patuloy pa din ang ikot ng mundo :)

  7. it's sad how sometimes we need to put up a front and hide who we truly are. soon enough, I'm sure you won't need to have that front and you can be who you really are! til then, andito lang ako to support you, sister! :)