Tuesday, December 19, 2017


Dear Moi,

Last night while browsing YouTube, I saw a thumbnail about Jonghyun. I disregarded it because I decided to watch this

Andante, a Korean series about granting the wishes of patients who are in hospice waiting for their death. Every episode provoke something inside of me - my relationship with my family, my lack of friends to confide in, my loneliness - I try not to dwell on negativity but the feeling of being alone is slowly setting in and the holiday season makes my melancholia more pronounce. Killing myself cross my mind. Scenarios of my suicide flashed on my mind but I quell this thoughts by diverting my attention to fleeting happiness - hiring masseurs for their extra service, for their kisses, for their hugs. I miss human touch so bad but I don't seem to find the person who will alleviate my loneliness. 

This morning while browsing the net to distract me with my melancholia, I came across an article about Jonghyun's death. Jonghyun is the lead vocalist of Korean idol group SHINee. His solo album is constant in my playlist. I barely understand the lyrics but I am very enamored with his voice. I can here desperation, longing, sadness in his voice and I can relate to that.

Jonghyun committed suicide yesterday and I am greatly affected. Suicidal thoughts to escape cross my mind and I try to forget this thoughts through paperwork but I can't concentrate. This is why I'm writing this blog post. I want to unload this feeling of desperation, this sadness. I am going to leave this post with this song...



You've worked hard Jonghyun. R.I.P.


  1. Don't let those suicidal thoughts get to you, I know sometimes the pain and loneliness is too much, but there is so much more in life. There are a lot of experiences that are waiting for you, and a lot of memories for you to have in the future.

    1. thank you for that encouraging words. I'll do my best to get out of this dakness