Insignificant

Dear Moi!

This is going to be a long post.

I always dread this day. It reminds me that I am insignificant. Growing up, I can’t recall a time when my family celebrated my birthday, except when it was combined with my sister’s. Birthdays weren’t really a thing in my family, so I guess it never seemed important.

I was in high school when I invited some friends out for a burger treat to celebrate my birthday, but I can’t remember if anyone actually showed up. What I do remember is sitting alone in that burger joint, eating a burger by myself. That’s when my dread of this day began.

Personal Relationships
I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years, but I don’t recall any remarkable birthday celebrations during that time. We might have traveled during the month, but nothing that made me feel special on the actual day.

In my next relationship, which lasted 5 years, I shared my feelings about birthdays with my partner. For four years, I still didn’t feel celebrated, and in 2022, I finally snapped. I told him he had never made any real effort to make me feel special. After my outburst, he made a half-hearted attempt by surprising me with a cake and singing "Happy Birthday." It felt more like an obligation than something genuine.

We didn’t celebrate last year because I was visiting family, but in hindsight, that moment might have been the start of him looking for someone to replace me. That’s a whole other story.

Is it wrong to feel this way? 

Am I being greedy for wanting attention?

Work Front
I've been with my organization for almost two decades, steadily climbing the corporate ladder. Looking back, I realize that my colleagues have never really surprised me or celebrated my birthday. Every year, it became a routine: when my birthday came around, I was the one footing the bill for a "forced celebration." Even after I became a frontline manager, nothing changed. It made me wonder—am I just not lovable?

When I moved into a middle management role, things didn’t improve. Not only was I still paying for my own "celebrations," but when I asked my fellow leaders to write me a short message or a quote to fill my gratitude/happy memory jar, no one contributed. It was a moment that made me feel insignificant, despite believing that I’ve been a good colleague—or at the very least, a competent worker and leader.

I’ve tried hard to make a meaningful impact at work, and I believe I’ve succeeded. (Time to toot my own horn a bit.) I established our corporate university, which serves not only our employees but also external stakeholders, such as interns, researchers, and healthcare professionals. When I say "I," I mean it—it was mostly a solo effort. There was one staff member helping out during the development phase, but overall, it was my project.

Is this hubris? 

Could this be why no one feels the need to recognize or celebrate me on my birthday—because they see me as self-sufficient or not needing appreciation?

Advocacy
I’ve been actively involved in the cooperative movement, starting with an appointed position as a Gender and Development (GAD) officer, eventually leading to an elected role as a Board Director. As a Board member, I was also elected to serve on the Board of our cooperative federation's regional organization. I brought meaningful change, especially by reviving the youth group, which was on its last legs when I joined.

I’ve served as a director for two years, yet my birthday has never been acknowledged or celebrated. Not everything has gone unnoticed, though—in my first year, there was a birthday greeting poster on the federation’s social media, albeit two weeks late. The following year, however, there was nothing. Even when I stepped down, beyond the usual verbal "thank you's," there was no real recognition of my contributions, despite both management and my fellow officers claiming that my work was significant. Perhaps those words were just platitudes.

I can’t help but feel insignificant, as if I don’t deserve recognition or appreciation. Yet, I still feel hurt and neglected. 

Is it too much to ask for recognition and appreciation? 

Do I need to verbalize this need? 

Shouldn’t it be common courtesy to acknowledge people’s contributions? 

Is it unreasonable to expect that kind of acknowledgment?

Grateful
Despite all these pent-up feelings of resentment, I still strive to do my best and bring positive change to the community. These experiences, though sometimes painful, won’t stop me from doing good or striving to be significant.

My birthday wish for this phase of my life is to find a partner—someone who will finally see and appreciate the good in me, not just the flaws. A life partner to share both celebrations and struggles. This is my only wish for this year (along with passing law school and the bar exam in 2027).

Dear Moi, you are doing good, laban lang!

Relapse

Dear Moi,

I visited the chapel today to pray that my mind would not think of bad thoughts, that my lips would always say gratitude, and that my actions would be constantly kind. 

I thought I was improving, but the devil played me like a puppet when I was given an opportunity to sleuth the traitor's social media messages and saw how happy they were. My heart and mind were unsettled. This is the reason why I'm here, to clear my heart by listing the blessings I received today. Here's my gratitude list,

1. I was able to accomplish my set work task for the day
2. Finally interviewed a good candidate to fill in the work plantilla
3. Done with the 360-degree leadership evaluation as a basis for re-appointment
4. Finished my presentation for labor law
5. I am slowly managing my emotions.

I don't wanna add negative thoughts and to help me cope, here's CoJ, singing what I am feeling.

Today is a tumultuous day and I am happy that it is almost done.

Sleuthing

 Dear Moi,

I decided to use my sleuthing skills and found out that the guy he's dating now is rich (at least based on social media posts). 

Early this year, I informed the ex that we must tighten our belts because we have obligations to pay. We cannot go out of town every month to de-stress but we will try to go out of the country on his birthday. I guess this triggered something in him because based on the chat thread that I read, the ex and his new guy became official in January :) 

Now, my hunch is confirmed that the gift I received last Valentine's was a gift from the new guy and I was the poor and foolish recipient. The flowers that I gifted him are incomparable to what he received from the new guy.

And the person that I thought I could trust, is an enabler of the cheater. She's definitely a cheater and a social climber, it's true what they say, birds of the same feather, flock together. 

I will never keep my mouth shut again if a friend is cheating, even if I become the bad guy in our group of friends. 

I will be more careful with my finances and not be a sugar daddy unknowingly.

I am grateful for this learning. 

Uusad na!

Lovestruck Idiot

 Dear Moi,

It's 2017 and my staff and I were facebooktigating an orientee. He's cute and we think that he's gay. We learned that he joined the pride march. Confirmed!

After a few months, I got bored and opened the g app. I saw a familiar beauty mark and immediately referred to my staff confirming my suspicions. We started chatting, leading to him visiting my unit and kissing. No hooking up just seeing each other and flirting for a couple of months. I encouraged him to get tested and unfortunately, he's reactive. 

I feel that this situation started my investment in this relationship. I promised to be with him and not leave him, but then I learned that he was still with the boyfriend. I felt betrayed and tried to forget him because I didn't want to be the other guy. He told me that their relationship was struggling and leading to a break-up. 

I tried not to get entangled and ensure that he got the right treatment. Helped him with further tests and medications. I encouraged him to disclose his condition to his boyfriend and he claimed he did. Eventually, he informed me that he ended his relationship and wanted me to be his partner, which was February 2018. 

I asked him to cohabitate so that he could save more money and time from commuting from north to south. He began to live with me. It was fun and a relief because now I can finally have someone to love and someone who loves me. 

I promised him that I would not change, from accompanying him going back north and picking him up every Sunday. I promised him a lot of firsts, boarding a plane, dining in hotels, and a lot more. I consulted him about having a pet cat and we had Sheldon followed by Geordie, and finally Kahel.

The pandemic came and I was thankful that he was there. I did not feel alone until I got infected. his first reaction is "Paano ako?" that I need to be admitted because of his condition being immunocompromised. Understanding his condition, I got admitted and that was the worst day of my life. What helped me cope was the video calls of my mom, sister, and him taking care of the cats. 

Rekindling my passion

Dear Moi,

It's been quite a while since my last post.

In 2017 I told my administrators I wanted to be part of their postgraduate course program. I became proactive because I want to be considered the successor of a director. I finished my postgraduate course and thought I was on track for the directorship but the pandemic happened and the position was left vacant and eventually given to someone. I was given another position that was not at the same level as the one I aimed for but accepted because it is also part of my professional growth (I am annoyed with Grammarly, I'm not aiming for perfect grammar, I just want to put this out there). This decision led me to where I am now, taking up a juris doctor degree.

When the scholarship was offered to me, my first reaction was, why would I make my life complicated? This was also offered to my boyfriend (now my ex) and when he agreed, I also agreed because I was afraid that he would meet someone and leave me. Yup, I am an insecure and foolish man but my instinct was correct. He left me after 2 years in law school and that's another story.

I am now at a crossroads. Will I still pursue law or take a leave of absence. I feel that I will need fortitude to continue this path. 

#RosesForJonghyun

Dear Moi,

Last night while browsing YouTube, I saw a thumbnail about Jonghyun. I disregarded it because I decided to watch this

Andante, a Korean series about granting the wishes of patients who are in hospice waiting for their death. Every episode provoke something inside of me - my relationship with my family, my lack of friends to confide in, my loneliness - I try not to dwell on negativity but the feeling of being alone is slowly setting in and the holiday season makes my melancholia more pronounce. Killing myself cross my mind. Scenarios of my suicide flashed on my mind but I quell this thoughts by diverting my attention to fleeting happiness - hiring masseurs for their extra service, for their kisses, for their hugs. I miss human touch so bad but I don't seem to find the person who will alleviate my loneliness. 

This morning while browsing the net to distract me with my melancholia, I came across an article about Jonghyun's death. Jonghyun is the lead vocalist of Korean idol group SHINee. His solo album is constant in my playlist. I barely understand the lyrics but I am very enamored with his voice. I can here desperation, longing, sadness in his voice and I can relate to that.

Jonghyun committed suicide yesterday and I am greatly affected. Suicidal thoughts to escape cross my mind and I try to forget this thoughts through paperwork but I can't concentrate. This is why I'm writing this blog post. I want to unload this feeling of desperation, this sadness. I am going to leave this post with this song...

yourself,

Moi

______________

You've worked hard Jonghyun. R.I.P.

2 Week PEP Chronicle

Dear Moi!

First week of taking PEP is quite difficult. I always feel light headed in the mornings and I don't want to go to work. It was also difficult to digest my meals. I always feel full though I tried to eat regularly but I always puke at least once a day for a week.

On my second week, symptoms decreased except for my eating habit, I still feel full most of the time even though I haven't eaten any heavy meal. The urge to regurgitate decreased.

To help with my eating concerns, I avoided rice and salty-oily foods because they are the one who always make me nauseated. I also drink hot green tea to help calm down my stomach after a meal.

Doing my regular gym work is quite difficult because I easily get fatigued but I always tried my best to finish my regular routine but with lesser weights and repetitions.

My sexual drive remains the same, I still feel horny everyday but I opted not to involve in any type of sexual intercourse and made friends with my two hands ;)

I've been taking my PEP regularly and without fail and I hope that my re-test tomorrow will yield the same results.

Hoping for the best!
moi