I visited the chapel today to pray that my mind would not think of bad thoughts, that my lips would always say gratitude, and that my actions would be constantly kind.
I thought I was improving, but the devil played me like a puppet when I was given an opportunity to sleuth the traitor's social media messages and saw how happy they were. My heart and mind were unsettled. This is the reason why I'm here, to clear my heart by listing the blessings I received today. Here's my gratitude list,
I was able to accomplish my set work task for the day
Finally interviewed a good candidate to fill in the work plantilla
Done with the 360-degree leadership evaluation as a basis for re-appointment
Finished my presentation for labor law
I am slowly managing my emotions.
I don't wanna add negative thoughts and to help me cope, here's CoJ, singing what I am feeling.
Today is a tumultuous day and I am happy that it is almost done.
I decided to use my sleuthing skills and found out that the guy he's dating now is rich (at least based on social media posts).
Early this year, I informed the ex that we must tighten our belts because we have obligations to pay. We cannot go out of town every month to de-stress but we will try to go out of the country on his birthday. I guess this triggered something in him because based on the chat thread that I read, the ex and his new guy became official in January :)
Now, my hunch is confirmed that the gift I received last Valentine's was a gift from the new guy and I was the poor and foolish recipient. The flowers that I gifted him are incomparable to what he received from the new guy.
And the person that I thought I could trust, is an enabler of the cheater. She's definitely a cheater and a social climber, it's true what they say, birds of the same feather, flock together.
I will never keep my mouth shut again if a friend is cheating, even if I become the bad guy in our group of friends.
I will be more careful with my finances and not be a sugar daddy unknowingly.
It's 2017 and my staff and I were facebooktigating an orientee. He's cute and we think that he's gay. We learned that he joined the pride march. Confirmed!
After a few months, I got bored and opened the g app. I saw a familiar beauty mark and immediately referred to my staff confirming my suspicions. We started chatting, leading to him visiting my unit and kissing. No hooking up just seeing each other and flirting for a couple of months. I encouraged him to get tested and unfortunately, he's reactive.
I feel that this situation started my investment in this relationship. I promised to be with him and not leave him, but then I learned that he was still with the boyfriend. I felt betrayed and tried to forget him because I didn't want to be the other guy. He told me that their relationship was struggling and leading to a break-up.
I tried not to get entangled and ensure that he got the right treatment. Helped him with further tests and medications. I encouraged him to disclose his condition to his boyfriend and he claimed he did. Eventually, he informed me that he ended his relationship and wanted me to be his partner, which was February 2018.
I asked him to cohabitate so that he could save more money and time from commuting from north to south. He began to live with me. It was fun and a relief because now I can finally have someone to love and someone who loves me.
I promised him that I would not change, from accompanying him going back north and picking him up every Sunday. I promised him a lot of firsts, boarding a plane, dining in hotels, and a lot more. I consulted him about having a pet cat and we had Sheldon followed by Geordie, and finally Kahel.
The pandemic came and I was thankful that he was there. I did not feel alone until I got infected. his first reaction is "Paano ako?" that I need to be admitted because of his condition being immunocompromised. Understanding his condition, I got admitted and that was the worst day of my life. What helped me cope was the video calls of my mom, sister, and him taking care of the cats.
In 2017 I told my administrators I wanted to be part of their postgraduate course program. I became proactive because I want to be considered the successor of a director. I finished my postgraduate course and thought I was on track for the directorship but the pandemic happened and the position was left vacant and eventually given to someone. I was given another position that was not at the same level as the one I aimed for but accepted because it is also part of my professional growth (I am annoyed with Grammarly, I'm not aiming for perfect grammar, I just want to put this out there). This decision led me to where I am now, taking up a juris doctor degree.
When the scholarship was offered to me, my first reaction was, why would I make my life complicated? This was also offered to my boyfriend (now my ex) and when he agreed, I also agreed because I was afraid that he would meet someone and leave me. Yup, I am an insecure and foolish man but my instinct was correct. He left me after 2 years in law school and that's another story.
I am now at a crossroads. Will I still pursue law or take a leave of absence. I feel that I will need fortitude to continue this path.
Last night while browsing YouTube, I saw a thumbnail about Jonghyun. I disregarded it because I decided to watch this
Andante, a Korean series about granting the wishes of patients who are in hospice waiting for their death. Every episode provoke something inside of me - my relationship with my family, my lack of friends to confide in, my loneliness - I try not to dwell on negativity but the feeling of being alone is slowly setting in and the holiday season makes my melancholia more pronounce. Killing myself cross my mind. Scenarios of my suicide flashed on my mind but I quell this thoughts by diverting my attention to fleeting happiness - hiring masseurs for their extra service, for their kisses, for their hugs. I miss human touch so bad but I don't seem to find the person who will alleviate my loneliness.
This morning while browsing the net to distract me with my melancholia, I came across an article about Jonghyun's death. Jonghyun is the lead vocalist of Korean idol group SHINee. His solo album is constant in my playlist. I barely understand the lyrics but I am very enamored with his voice. I can here desperation, longing, sadness in his voice and I can relate to that.
Jonghyun committed suicide yesterday and I am greatly affected. Suicidal thoughts to escape cross my mind and I try to forget this thoughts through paperwork but I can't concentrate. This is why I'm writing this blog post. I want to unload this feeling of desperation, this sadness. I am going to leave this post with this song...
First week of taking PEP is quite difficult. I always feel light headed in the mornings and I don't want to go to work. It was also difficult to digest my meals. I always feel full though I tried to eat regularly but I always puke at least once a day for a week.
On my second week, symptoms decreased except for my eating habit, I still feel full most of the time even though I haven't eaten any heavy meal. The urge to regurgitate decreased.
To help with my eating concerns, I avoided rice and salty-oily foods because they are the one who always make me nauseated. I also drink hot green tea to help calm down my stomach after a meal.
Doing my regular gym work is quite difficult because I easily get fatigued but I always tried my best to finish my regular routine but with lesser weights and repetitions.
My sexual drive remains the same, I still feel horny everyday but I opted not to involve in any type of sexual intercourse and made friends with my two hands ;)
I've been taking my PEP regularly and without fail and I hope that my re-test tomorrow will yield the same results.
The accident happened last Saturday at around 21:40+ when I was having a tryst with a gorgeous Chinito for the first time and I noticed that something went wrong. I told him that the condom broke and Mr. Chinito told me not to worry and claimed that he's safe because he got tested last month and the result was negative. I want to believe him but I need tangible evidence and he was not able to provide one. I immediately sent a message to Test_MNL asking for the availability of Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). I am aware that time is of the essence and I need to take the medication 48 hours after exposure.
Test_MNL informed me that PEP is available but I need to pay 1,500.00 PhP because the medication were imported from Bangkok and not part of the government's program. I of course immediately agreed to pay the price because my health is more important than money. Test_MNL advised me to visit loveyourself Anglo for HIV testing and counseling.
It was a restless night.
Fast forward Sunday, I went to Mandaluyong with "butterflies flying inside my tummy". I arrived at the community center at exactly 13:00 and looked for Kahel for instructions and he gave me the form to fill-up and lined up for the blood extraction. I was expecting not to line up because I was informed that CBS is available but that's life :).
More than 30 minutes of waiting for the extraction and another 30 minutes for the result. - waiting for the result was excruciating because I'm aware of the process. I was planning for possible scenarios that might happen If it turned out reactive, I'll do my baseline this Monday and immediately take ARV or do whatever the advice of the MD. If it's non reactive, I will take PEP asap.
I was uber observant and once I noticed that the results envelopes were available, I immediately went to the reception and asked if I can get my result but they are strictly following the protocols (which is very good) and did not release my result instead, they went to Kahel and inform him about my concern. When Kahel told me that there's nothing worry about, I feel like a ton was lifted on my shoulder and I immediately asked about the next step.
The next step is the PEP counseling and checking of vital signs. I was referred to the on duty doctor due to my 150/100 mmHg blood pressure (the first time that I got BP reading and I'm blaming the apparatus that was used and the stressful situation because I've been checking my VS for quite sometime and it's always within normal limits.). The doctor gave his go signal that I can start with my PEP.
Kahel talked to me about the possible short term side effects of the medications such as dizziness, headache, vivid dreams, fatigue and rashes; and long term side effects like muscle wasting and lipodystrophy. The only thing that concerns me is the lipodystrophy because I don't want to gain weight but since this is just a temporary medication (I need to take the meds for a month) my fears were lessened.
Kahel gave me 15 tablets to be taken everyday for 15 days, 2 hours after meal or 2 hours before bed time. He reiterated that for the meds to be effective, I need to be compliant and to message him if there are side effects of the drugs and I need to be tested again after 15 days (that's on November 5).
I planned to take the meds at 20:40 everyday after considering work, gym, evening classes and patient care.
Day 1
I took my first dose while watching R3.0. When Ms. Regine is singing
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I was feeling good, I almost forgot that I took my initial dose until
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I started to get light headed but not dizzy. It's like the feeling of being drunk but not totally drunk. This started until the end of the concert.
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On our way out I was scared that I might stumble and fall, so i walked a little bit slowly and made sure that i hold on to available rails. I pretended that I'm ok because my companions are not aware of my predicament.
After the concert, I just wanna go home and sleep but my friends decided to have a meal before going home and talk about the concert.
Got home at around 2 AM, washed my face and slept until 7:00 AM because I've work.
I woke up feeling light headed and tired but it's bearable. Had heavy breakfast and took my isotretenoin (I was not able to ask the drug interaction between efavirenz and isotretinoin but both might cause problem to liver - I did not stop taking isotretinoin because whatever happens I want to die beautiful)
The light headed feeling persisted until I finished work at around 16:00. I went home immediately, had dinner and slept for a little bit before going to the gym.
I feel tired put I persevered because I want to avoid the side effect of losing muscles and lipodystrophy (again, I want to die beautiful) and I also want to see my crush - sadly he's not there but there are still cute guys to secretly ogle :)
Gym experience is not that good because I'm so tired but it was bearable.
Got home at around 19:45, took my second dose at 20:40 and slept at around 22:00 still feeling tired and light headed.
